Issue 05: Ask Ceci

Dear Ceci,

I do not want to be harsh, but I literally hate my friend for what she has done to me. When I had so much faith in our friendship, she just trampled on my feelings with her act of betrayal. At this moment, I don’t even want to see her face or hear her voice. I do not want to forget what she has done either, yet the memory hurts me. What should I do?

I Feel Betrayed

Dear I Feel Betrayed,

Allow me to give you a virtual hug. It must be tough for you, when you have so much faith in your friend. I understand it is difficult to simply discard what you have experienced, and you do not have to do this. What you need at the moment is to be kind to yourself by viewing the incident from a different perspective. First, assure yourself that everything in your life happens for a reason. If perceived properly, it will enrich your life experience and prepare you for a better future. Second, while you may not have control over what happens around you, you have all the power to control how you react towards the incident. Hatred and forgiveness is entirely up to you, and forgiveness does not justify wrong behavior, it does not disregard justice either, you can still hold the person accountable for what he/she has done. Forgiveness just means freeing yourself from anger and hatred so you will not feel the pain any more when you recall the incident in the future. For now, try to think of the people and things that make you grateful and happy whenever the pain strikes. As you try to adjust, everything will get better in no time.

Ceci

Dear Ceci,

I admit I am a perfectionist. Whenever something is not done precisely, I cannot help but see the faults and bring them out, sometimes at the expense of hurting my family and friends. They think I complain a lot and I am not grateful at all. Of course I want to be in good terms with them, but I am not ready to remain silent when I see something wrong going on. What should I do?

Troubled Perfectionist

Dear Troubled Perfectionist,

There is nothing wrong with being a perfectionist, your unique quality is to spot a fault immediately and have it fixed, so everything will be in good shape. When your family and friends think you complain a lot and are not grateful, I am sure they do not mean to label you, but to convey their need of being appreciated. So, instead of remaining silent whenever you see something wrong, what you need to pay attention to is how you deliver suggestions so others do not feel bad about them. My advice is to first acknowledge the effort people have put in the matter through words and action, then raise your suggestion in the form of a request to see if it can be attended to. After that, leave the decision-making to the one in charge and respect his/her choice. Hopefully, by doing so, you could contribute with your unique quality while balancing your relationship with family and friends.

Ceci

Dear Ceci,

I have a very demanding friend who always wants me by her side. In the beginning, I saw it as her way to appreciate my company, but this is going a bit too far because I feel that she is trying to manipulate my schedule so I will be with her all the time. I feel drained but do not know how to respond. What should I do?

Drained Soul

Dear Drained Soul,

You may need some private time of your own, think about what you want from this friendship and how it could be achieved. Like you said, you may feel drained when someone is too demanding and does not know your boundaries. In this case, it will be beneficial to tell your friend directly about your limits and share your needs for privacy in a nice way. If you are worried about how she will take your words, sandwich your needs and requests in between words of appreciation and kindness. Try to find an opportunity to have an open conversation with her and see if a new way of spending time together will work for both of you. If she agrees to your suggestion, it is a good sign to carry on with the friendship. Nevertheless, if she cannot adapt to your needs, you may have to think twice about where you want this friendship to go and continue to explore other possibilities.

Ceci