Issue 07: Breastfeeding Journey
Breastfeeding Journey
Day 1 | I watch her eyes open. On top of me with her red knitted hat in the labour ward. She is stunning. So delicate. Deep down I always knew it was a girl.
I want to breastfeed. But it seems I have no milk… Midwives come and go squeezing me, forcing my baby on. She screams when they prepare her for a feed. They put pressure on me but I insist I want to breastfeed.
The reality was, I didn’t know what my options were… they suggest cup feeding her formula. She needs feeding so I agree.
But I want to breastfeed so they give me their electric pump. It hurts like hell. I can’t tolerate the machine for more than 10mins at a time. I try but nothing comes out.
I get told to do a whole cycle… The 10 mins aren’t enough.
I burst into tears because I don’t know what’s going on. Because I don’t know how it all works. Because all I want to do is feed my baby “naturally”. Because I had no idea anything could go wrong. Because it’s so painful.
Day 4 | I saw this tiny bit of colostrum in the pumping machine. I was SO proud. I carefully collected it, filling less than one syringe. Colostrum is a super concentrated version of breastmilk full of nutrients.
Day 5 | Baby is still doing ready-made formula, increasing the amount every day. We give her the colostrum but she needs more and I’m devastated.
I continue with the machine yet only tiny bits come out, from one syringe to two. Pumping is still painful, but I’m getting used to it.
We’re discharged from hospital but I am still bottle-feeding her but I am determined.
I buy an electric pump, and I can see an increase. I’m tolerating it more now. But my milk is well behind her bottle. Eventually I received a manual pump, it gives more speed control when it hurts.
For the next 6 weeks I go to the hospital’s feeding support weekly.
At first, whenever I placed her on breast she either screamed or fell asleep: I felt completely rejected. Why did she hate my breasts so much?
I’m told maybe my breasts are not mature, a condition that may mean I can’t breastfeed at all. My supply is low. So is my spirit. The consultant suggests Domperidone. Side effect of this anti-nausea medication is lactation. I also take fenugreek, cornflour porridge, dark chocolate, whatever is meant to help milk supply.
Meanwhile, advice like “Force her on. It’s for her own good” did not work out. She screamed and I felt horrible. The breastfeeding class tutor agreed it didn’t feel right to force her and suggested to put her on breast when she’s calm and not hungry. It worked! I’m able to squeeze a bit of milk into her mouth.
Pumping became everything. First for 5 minutes, then 10, then 20 minutes each side. I see an increase from 5ml, then jump for joy as I see 15ml for the first time. Then 30ml, 60ml collected throughout the day. Overjoyed when I caught up with the bottle. The pumping and the skin to skin kicks in. My milk has a good increase.
Three weeks, I feel I’m running out of time: it’s been a month already.
But at least the baby hasn’t been losing weight.
We can feed her my milk at least …
After speaking to a postnatal therapist, I do 2 sessions that change my entire perspective on breastfeeding.
I tell her it’s so difficult, but I want to feel the bond, for the baby’s sake too. That lady makes me realise it’s ok that it matters so much to me!
She makes me appreciate that the baby’s rejection should not be taken personally, that breastfeeding is a journey, it can take time and hard work, bursting my unrealistic bubble.
I grew up watching it everywhere in Brazil. “It’s natural” “Everyone does it” (Not true in the U.K. – my feminist side was another reason for me wanting it so badly!)
I wonder about the lack of dialogue and the secrecy. Is it shame? Fear to scare others? Nothing could be worse than an unrealistic expectation, ten times harder to deal with emotionally.
But giving up is NEVER an option to me!
My milk supply has increased and finally the baby feeds for a straight five minutes, no pain. It’s everything I thought it would be. She looks up into my eyes and I know this is what I want. I still struggle between the pumping but I manage.
Five weeks in and baby feeds for 5 to 10 minutes and shows more interest in the breasts and I do this when she’s calm after a bit of formula.
I try to do laid back nursing, which requires to lie backwards to latch the baby and is tricky to do outdoors.
At six weeks, we are phasing off formula.
I think this is the toughest week. I learned cross cradle position. The laid back is not practical in public. I’m struggling to do it by myself at home and I am puzzled at how hard it is. None of the videos I saw had the baby flapping hands around, getting in the way. None were screaming with hunger, head moving in weird different directions.
I burst into tears and for the first time think “I can’t do this. I can’t take the pain anymore.” Then another part thinks, “this is what you want, stop complaining.”
I seek help online too. Messages on Instagram help me emotionally during the early hours.
A day later, I put all the techniques together, and things start to turn around.
I start to feel more good latches than bad. She no longer needs formula.
We are doing this!
Around the eighth week I notice the baby knows how to latch. I’m so proud of her!
When people comment, I end up educating them. I have gone from complete ignorance to learning on the job. I’m glad I didn’t give up even though it felt like all the odds were against me at times.
I am so grateful for all the invaluable support that I found offline and online. When my baby grows up and has kids of her own, I promise to tell her about my breastfeeding journey. I don’t want to hide the reality from her or any of you reading this, like I felt everyone hid it from me. |
Luana D’Elias Thomas is the founder of a platform www.getoffmyback.co.uk to help mums-to-be reduce anxieties and fears about birth. To work towards the positive birth experience that all women deserve. She loves all things pregnancy, labour, birth and motherhood.
For more conversations follow: @getoffmyback.co.uk
