Issue 04 : What Made Me Ashamed of My Period

What made me ashamed of my period

I was two months away from being 13 years old when I had my first period. I went to the bathroom one day in the summer holidays, when I looked down my knickers there was a bit of blood. It was a faint pink colour, almost circular in shape, the size a bit bigger than a 50p coin. I was shocked. But most of all I was embarrassed. Embarrassed I would have to tell my mum about the most personal thing that had ever happened in my life.

I vividly remember that I had to build up so much courage to tell her. As she stood in the kitchen cooking, I went over to tell her my embarrassing news. But as soon as I tried. A knot came over my throat and I just couldn’t bring it out. Then dad would walk in. That went on for what it felt like forever, until when she was alone again and I forced it out very inaudibly.

We had never spoken about periods. It has always just been something I heard of but knew absolutely nothing about it. She showed me how to put on a pad and how to roll it up and throw it in the bin. That was it. I thought to myself, is that it? That’s all you can tell me? No conversations about it. At the time it didn’t occur to me to say those thoughts out loud. Looking back now, I understand it’s because she was embarrassed about it too. The vicious cycle had already started.

Then she did the last thing I wanted her to. She told my dad. She told a guy, I had my first period. A man. My reaction was for the ground to open up and swallow me whole, as he made a joke that I joined “the pad club”. I felt so upset that my own mother would betray my confidentiality like that. I didn’t even have the chance to come to terms with the news myself. If that wasn’t enough my dad went on to tell other family members by phone. Neither asked me if I was comfortable with it.

Initially, I’d be embarrassed to buy pads, to be in that aisle when someone was around was the worst case scenario. I would walk up and down and wait until it was clear for me to reach for what I needed. I think the truth was, I didn’t want people to know about something so private. I hated going to the checkout too, because the person serving would know.

It’s strange because I remember wanting so desperately to be seen as a teenager. To not be seen as a child anymore. Then this happened and I wasn’t sure if I wanted it or if I was mentally ready for it. My own body had made that decision for me and I didn’t have a say on it. I realise now I needed time to accept what was happening to me. That my body was about to go through a big change and that was the start of things to come. It took time. Maybe it took as long as it did because I kept it all inside. I just couldn’t bring myself to talk to anyone about it.

This shame continued to follow me through my teens and beyond, in slightly different ways. Eventually, I got over the buying fear, but yet, I would catch myself at work, going to the toilet carrying my pad in a small bag. Hidden away. Behind it, the feeling was the same, embarrassment. Not wanting people to know. Not talking about it. About something that all women go through. By something that made me a woman.

Why I never had conversations about periods with friends either? Because it became ingrained in my belief system that it’s not something to talk about. It didn’t help that I had the issue of feeling that my privacy was stolen from me too. So it became natural for me to hide it away, go through it alone in my own way.

When I look at it now, I wonder why I was so ashamed of me becoming a woman. Essentially that’s what that is. Periods are the thing that let us know that we can create and give life. It shows us that our bodies are functioning. It shows us that it can hurt but we can get through it, time and time again showing us our strength. It’s part of the process of creating, nurturing and birthing a brand new life. I wish I had seen periods as something that is powerful, not shameful. As natural, not gross. As ok to talk about, not to hide it.

It has taken me years to feel comfortable talking about these early experiences. Now that I am a mother to a little girl (even if I had a boy), I will make it my duty to break the vicious unspoken cycle surrounding periods. I will start these conversations very early on, it might be awkward at the start, but I will talk until there is no embarrassment left. With campaigns like https://www.bodyform.co.uk/our-world/why-our-wombstories-need-to-be-heard/ reinforcing the message. Raising awareness about a topic that used to be so unspoken of, is a great starting point for this shame to vanish.

I hope my daughter appreciates how periods are incredible on why they happen. How it’s a vital part of who we are and a vital part of continuing the human race. There is absolutely not even an ounce of shame in that.

Luana Thomas is the founder of www.getoffmyback.co.uk a platform to help mums-to-be to reduce anxieties and fears about birth. To try and add towards a positive birth experience, that all women deserve. She loves all things pregnancy, labour, birth and motherhood. For more conversations follow @getoffmyback.co.uk