Issue 04: Confessions of a Reformed Good Girl

Confessions of a Reformed Good Girl

“Should I order the sandwich or the salad?”

My teenage daughter told herself she was ‘allowed’ one choice for lunch, but her stomach wanted a bit of both. She grappled with the choice for another minute or two, and it suddenly dawned on me. Despite all my efforts to the contrary, she was growing up to be a ‘good’ girl. Like me.

My entire life I’ve been programmed to be ‘good’. The good daughter who understood children should be seen and not heard. The good student who read books on Saturday nights and was too oblivious to even know about the parties, let alone go to them. The good employee who stayed quiet when her boss took the credit. The good wife who moved across the globe because her husband needed her to. The good mother who put her children’s needs above her own. The good friend who always acquiesced to her friends’ preferences. The good citizen who never broke a rule, any rule. The good girl who gave away all her power without a fight.

I had to break the cycle. I could hear the debate raging in my teen’s head. “I am only allowed to get one thing. If I get two, I’ll look greedy. If I get two and I don’t finish both, I’ll be wasteful. If I get two, I’ll be wasting my parents’ money.” And on and on. I pictured the self-criticism swirling around in her head. On the plus side, this strategy would keep her safe and her life relatively drama-free. She’d likely live in a comfortable home with a loving family. But she would also spend her life being what everyone else expected, giving her power away. And that would lead to a lot of bitterness and resentment. I know because it happened to me. Until I had the proverbial health scare. Only then did I start to think about how I wanted to live my life. Whether I wanted that sandwich or salad? And then I realized I want them both. And with that realization came the anger. Fury that my boss wasn’t nurturing my career the way he did my male counterparts. Resentment that I had to keep moving around the world tosupport my husband. Bitterness that I always capitulated when I disagreed with a friend. But the ugly truth was, none of them – my boss, my husband, my friends – were solely at fault. I could have left when I realized my boss wasn’t on my side. I could have said no when my husband asked to move. I could have told my friends what I really preferred. I had given away my agency – nobody took it from me.I realized it was up to me to vocalize what I did (and did not) want.

So I became a reformed ‘good’ girl. And now you can too!

Step 1: Break a rule

When’s the last time you broke a rule? Not the law. Rather the rules you tell yourself (or society has been feeding you). So the reformed good girl in me will…

• Wear what I like despite my age/weight/coloring.
• Speak up at the risk of sounding bossy/opinionated…
• Embrace my resting-b*@#$-face because nobody can smile all the time…
• Pursue the career that I love, not the one that is expected of me…

You get the idea…I learned to trust my own thoughts and needs instead of blindly following what society has dictated. And I learned to sometimes put me before others because you really do need to put your own oxygen mask on first if the plane is going down!

Step 2: Embrace the fall out

Chances are you’ve been a good girl because you want to please. And by virtue of prioritizing your needs, a few toes will have to be stepped on. Some ‘friends’ may leave you. The true ones will support you. Your boss may fire you… an opportunity to work somewhere that appreciates you. The other mothers may gossip behind your back. You can’t hear them, so who cares?

Eventually, I realized that I couldn’t always be liked and still be true to myself. Instead, you need to embrace the conflict and confrontation needed to get to that better place.

Step 3: Shut your inner critic down

Or as Elsa would say, “Let It Go!” See what happens when you tell that inner voice to take a back seat, especially when she’s demanding perfection from you. I don’t think mine will ever go away, but at least now I am able to talk back and ask “what’s the worst that can happen?” So give that presentation, even if you’re not 100% buttoned up. Raise your hand to lead that club, because you are good enough. Ask for that raise, because nobody will give it to you otherwise. Your insecurity and inner voice are your worst enemy – they certainly were mine. That voice didn’t get there on its own. Society put it there and it’s your job to kick it out. Nowadays, my inner voice plays a different tape, reminding me good girls aren’t real and perfection is an unattainable myth designed to keep you busy while the guy next to you gets that promotion.

Follow these easy steps and In no time, you’ll be on your way to ordering that sandwich and salad, guilt–free.

Sincerely,

A reformed good girl